All right, since there seems to be a general consensus that not all US citizens are Real Americans, and that even those that are are not all equally Real, let's run a quiz to test everyone's Real American-ness.
Question 1: Are you a US Citizen.
If so, give yourself 50 points so we can all start out on an equal basis. Non-citizens obviously need not apply.
Question 2: Are you naturalized?
Is so, subtract 50 points. Only the natural born start on an equal footing. But never fear, this is America, so you can overcome that disadvantage if you score well on the rest of this quiz.
Question 3: Where do you live?
a. New York to DC Corridor. Subtract 1,000 points. You are automatically disqualified. No one who lives in the New York to DC Corridor can ever be a Real American.
b. Massachusetts, Rhode Island or Connecticut. Subtract 30 points. This is almost part of the New York to DC Corridor, but we will give you a chance because you definitely got neglected in the Hurricane Sandy coverage. (Remember that?).
c. West Coast. Subtract 20 points.
d. New Hampshire or Vermont. Subtract 10 points.
e. Maine. Subtract 5 points.
f. A historical Confederate state, other than West Texas, Florida, or that parts of Virginia that are really DC suburbs. Add 5 points. Not as bad as New England or the West Coast, but that secession business makes you suspect.
g. A Southwest state, including West Texas. Add 5 points. Too Hispanic.
h. An interior mountain state. Add 10 points.
i. A non-Confederate part of Greater Appalachia. Add 20 points.
j. A Midwest or Rust Belt state. Add 30 points. Congratulations! You live in the Heartland, the most Real American part of the country.
k. Florida. As the rest of the country knows, there is no accounting for Florida. Roll the dice on this one. Then flip a coin to see whether your roll should be added or subtracted.
Question 4: Do you hang out in diners?
a. Yes. Add 10 points.
b. No. Subtract 10 points.
Question 5: What size town do you live in?
a. Three million and up. Subtract 30 points.
b. One million to three million. Subtract 20 points.
c. One million to 500,000. Subtract 10 points.
e. 500,000 to 100,000. Zero points.
f. 100,000 to 50,000. Add 15 points.
g. Less than 50,000. Add 30 points.
h. I don't live in an incorporated town. Add 5 points and quit showing off.
Question 6: What ethnic group do you belong to.
a. White. Add 10 points.
b. Black or Native American. Zero points. You have been around a long time, so you can be forgiven.
c. Hispanic or Asian. Subtract 10 points.
d. Other. Subtract 20 points.
Subtract 5 points for each grandparent who was not born in the US.
Question 7: What religion are you.
a. Evangelical Christian or Catholic. Add 10 points.
b. None. Add 10 points. Come on. You never see religion in 1950's sitcoms, so it must be OK.
c. Mainline Protestant. Add 5 points.
d. Jewish. Zero points.
e. Eastern Orthodox. Subtract 5 points.
f. Other, or atheist. Subtract 20 points.
Question 8: What is your education level.
a. High school dropout. Zero points. What did I tell you about showing off?
b. High school graduate. Add 20 points.
c. Community college or trade school. Add 20 points. Nothing to be ashamed of.
d. Some college. Add 5 points.
e. Four-year degree. Subtract 10 points.
f. Graduate degree. Subtract 15 points.
Question 9: For men: What job to you aspire to. For women: What job does your husband or boyfriend aspire to. (Your actual job can be forgiven, but you must aspire to an authentic job to be considered authentically Real American).
a. Small business owner (any kind). Add 30 points.
b. Manufacturing. Add 30 points
c. Military, police, or fire department. Add 20 points.
d. Construction, home repairs, or auto mechanic. Add 10 points. That's OK, but a bit Hispanic, so be careful.
e. Farming. Add 5 points. You really don't believe what I said about showing off, do you.
f. High school teacher. Zero points.
g. Tech. Subtract 5 points.
h. Office work. Subtract 10 points.
i. Services, other than above. Subtract 15 points.
j. Learned professions. Subtract 20 points.
k. Government, not counting military, police, fire, and high school teacher. Subtract 30 points and consider yourself a traitor.
Question 10: Are you a NASCAR fan.
a. Yes. Add 10 points.
b. No. Subtract 10 points.
c. What's NASCAR? Subtract 20 points.
Add 3 points for each gun you own up to five, and one point for each gun after that.
Add up the score and good news. Even if it is a minus, you can be a somewhat real American so long as you don't live in the New York to DC Corridor.
You just won't be
as real.
